(Warning- Quite a lengthy post! Be sure to have lots of time at hand before reading 🙂 )
I am a Mom to two little ones and a wife to a husband who doesn’t smoke or drink. He is a kind of person who always rushes home every evening after work without spending time with his friends or going to bars for quick drinks. I live in the best country in the world (although that is debatable if you have decided previously that your part of the world is best to inhabit. So, we will just leave that topic for now, shall we?) where the weather is always kind and the seasons that we come across are beautiful. We do not get hit by Tsunamis and strong earthquakes or we haven’t witnessed hurricanes like Sandy or Katrina, like ever. As a family, we live comfortably and without any debts and there is a lot of love to go around between our relations and friends.
Yes, I do have a pretty perfect family life or so I pretend without fail most of the time. Then, something terrible happens like a wake up call every now and then which brutally reminds me of things that I want to bury deep under the caves of the earth. Like the other day, when I just lost it and threw stuff at my husband all the while screaming like a mad woman protecting my kids from his crazy outbursts. My husband when he gets out-of-control is not a sight to behold. The reason for his fit this time was that his T-4 slip originally kept at his desk was thrown on the floor by my three year old when he was playing in our joint office room. Hubby had clearly forbidden him to enter the office room several times before and he expected our son to obediently listen to what he has told and act accordingly. My husband always wants me to do things perfectly and thought that I would keep our little one away from the desk. But since I am human and hence not so perfect, I failed to do it this one time and all hell broke loose at night. My husband started raining down insults at me all the while threatening Kevin (our son) to beatings. Something clicked in my brain when Kevin started crying and I went blind with rage. I screamed at the top of my voice at my husband to keep away from my children and started throwing at him whatever came my way. Kids’ toys, toy boxes… books, papers and pens flying through the air… It was a mess.
Please don’t think that I am crazy. Also, it’s not true that my husband is a control freak. Our marriage is not in shambles and that I am not falling apart. Although, I am sure that is the picture you are getting from the words that I portrayed in the previous paragraph. The reasons for my outbursts run much deeper than the surface level troubles you witnessed. The word ‘trauma’ hits me hard every time I read it anywhere. I find my blog as the best place to share this very same inner trauma, my fears which I will never speak of anywhere or to anyone, where I will confront my demons who constantly spit fire on my face…so, take a deep breath and here we go!
I was a mother-less child. To make it clear further, I was born of a biological mother, certainly within the wedlock. But I was born to a mother who did not stay around enough to watch her little girl grow up and make her own family. She left us for good when I was five years old and my brother was three. My Father would tell me later on that my Mother found some one better than us and decided to go separate ways with that ‘person’. I am not sure how far I understood my Mother’s decision at a young age, but that did not leave me a choice. I carried her demon always inside my heart. I missed her terribly at times, especially when I needed to discuss things with her that I cannot possibly bring up with my Dad. That includes the first time, I got my period and the horror I experienced because I was not sure what the ‘blood’ was about. I thought that I am having a serious case of blood cancer and that I was going to die. I couldn’t discuss this with my Mother. I did not have any ‘close friends’ but I had tones of ‘friends’, if you know what I mean. One of those ‘friends’ came to my help and related to me the fact that I am not going to die of cancer that the ‘blood’ that I am seeing is the ‘blood’ that will be visiting me every month from now on… When I talk about this now and looking back on this incident, it certainly strikes me as funny, but it was not so at that time when I was living it.
Anyways, I did not see my Mother for many years since her departure. Her absence did not affect me initially so much may be because it all happened when I was so young and I was gotten used to my Dad being around fulfilling any void. I did not feel that being motherless was a big deal except the time when I encountered my period for the first time. But that passed too by me eventually. My life carried on like an uninterrupted river stopping and stumbling around rocks and stones occasionally but still moving on with the natural current. But that was soon coming to a stop and little did I know that the serenity of my inner river is going towards a downward spiral of whirl pool. There came an incident that changed me completely, an incident that soon would answer the reasons why I behaved with screaming fits at my husband in the above mentioned situation.
I still remember the day. I was pursuing my graduation in Public Relations and Journalism away from my home and was living in a dorm at the time with few friends of mine. One day, we decided to visit the nearest town after classes for shopping and some fun. We took the bus to town since none of us owned a car. The weather was beautiful and everything was perfect. Shopping was mind-blowing (yes, shopping is a kind of therapy for me, still is) and it was good times with friends, eating excellent food and gossiping. I felt happy and elated. Soon, it was time to go back to our place and we all started making our way towards the bus-station. There were three of us and we tried not to split up from each other in the crowd which was pushing against us in the town centre circle on the way to the bus station. Just then, my heart started beating erratically and the hair on the nape of my neck stood upright. I knew something is about to happen because I was used to this uncanny body behavior of mine whenever I am about to face something terrible….
…And I saw her! My Mother, the one who has given birth to me, the one who held me for the first time in her arms and the one who should have been around in my life so that I could have called her ‘My Mom’ always. She was walking along the sidewalk, a few feet from us, but going in the opposite direction. Her strides were busy and her eyes were focused straight ahead. There are chances that she would see me and my pathetic heart started getting excited. I haven’t seen her for fifteen years and I might not be recognizable to her now. But the smart one in me reasoned, “Which Mother in the World Has Ever Failed to Recognize Her Own Child No Matter How Many Years Have Passed Between Them?” Yes, my chances were good. She would know me. I felt I was going out of my mind and I so badly wanted to yell at my friends ‘Hey you guys, meet my Mother!’. But I stopped and I was left speechless! My mother came like an inch or two closer to where I was walking on the pavement and never so much of bestowing a second glance at my poor face, continued her merry way …
A Mother walked away from her own daughter for the second time on that day among that crowd. I felt numb. I was too weak to turn around and make sure she indeed did not recognize me and walked away. It was too much and I stopped mid-stride. My friends came around and asked what’s wrong. What could I say to them? So much has happened in that past one minute and I need more than a life time to explain what the hell just happened. I just shake my head and cleared my thoughts to give them an assuring smile. “Oh nothing, I think I am coming down with a migraine. Let’s just get home before it hits me in full swing”. That was true. I came down with migraine (my way of coping up with a trauma) and spent the rest of the week in bed.
I started thinking about my life in fast rewind in that interval of one week and sensed myself sinking deeper and deeper into depressed thoughts. I couldn’t imagine how a Mother cannot recognize her own child or for that matter, how a Mother can leave her little ones like that and walk away as if nothing happened. I cannot fathom now how much my thoughts made me insane and left me never the same about the reality of me being Mother-less. From that day onwards, I started getting migraines quite frequently and it often took me to dark places to resurrect myself in the hate I felt towards my own Mother. I never mentioned the day I saw my Mother to anyone except my Dad and all he could do was to try to mend my already fragile, irrevocably broken soul together in the empty promises of fruitful tomorrows….
Years passed and I became a Mom. I held my own children in my arms and I reveled in the love and warmth that was flowing through my heart, just for them. I vowed fiercely that I would never leave them alone and I would never let anyone hurt them or let anyone make them feel unwanted and threatened. I still loose myself in my children and is still burning my oil to be the best Mother that I can possibly be for them…and I know in my heart of hearts that I am compensating for the shortcomings of my own Mother and covering up my inability to forgive her…But I do hope that one day I will reach that place of forgiveness…it is just a matter of time.
Coming back to the present, the hurt that my Mom’s action caused me on that one day went through like a lightening speed in my head when I saw my husband moving towards Kevin (I know pretty well that it was just an action of intimidation, nothing else). Witnessing this, I just let nature takes its course and dissolved myself into a cracking nut-case. I am not sure if you have understood the reasons why I became the way I am but I hope you do understand the pain I am dealing with when I have to confront my inner demons. If you are worried what happened in my house after the ‘throwing stuff match’, rest assured. Next day, everything went back to becoming normal and perfect- Perfect Wife, Perfect Husband, Happy Children and a Perfect Mother! There is always rebound, you know…