If I look closely at the neighbour’s garden across the street, I could see the rosebuds beginning to dip open in the lushness of the green. All it needs is just one drop of water to peck its cheek.. almost there..(sigh)
In a few more months, I will be all ready to go to work after mat leave hurling myself back to the craziness of it all. But I guess that is the way of life, Is it not? Each and every time I think about it, my heart screams “No”. A tiny voice whimper at the back of my mind saying that it did not want to leave the kids behind. I was at the same place when I had to do this after Kevin was born three years ago. All I could think of at work was about him. What is he doing now, is he eating well, taking naps on time etc… The only consolation was that he is with my in-law rather than at a strange daycare. But it is still not same as his own mother being there for him. I felt guilty all the time and every day I rushed back home to see him and only him. I couldn’t even release a peaceful breath without seeing him at the end of the day. I will be the same way this time as well and I do not know if I can survive this undamaged.
It is not that if I do not work, I do not eat. we are pretty stable financially. My husband works a good job. So am I. If I quit and raise the kids full time, no world will crash down on us. I can depend on him and trust him to take care of us. But there is a slight problem. That problem is Me and that professionally I am uncompromising and relentless in my pursuits to make my mark in the career world. I cannot be satisfied if I do not do this. But at the same time, I want to stay with the kids. Yes, it is a dilemma, rather a stupid one when you look at it, right? Well, this is my dirty laundry, I guess. It is hard to understand, but yes, it is there. I hope soon someday I will find a way to do both. Means, I will get to do the work I want without leaving my kids behind. Fingers Crossed! In the meantime, I am still enjoying this cup of coffee which I am holding reverently and watching the rain falling down lovingly on earth.