Sometimes it’s too hard not to look back at the life I had a few years ago. I have tried over and over to detach myself completely from the past and start on a clean slate, at least mentally.
And it became a failed mission each time.
If I dare to turn a corner around the memory lane, I will see my younger self, wandering around with a confused mind. A self that was wounded, hurt, aimless and unloved.
I guess my biggest issue those days was my difficulty to belong somewhere or to someone.
I tried to fit in without success.
My desire to be loved and to belong was so strong that I was left bone dry and parched when it eluded me each time.
I have always found it hard to trust people. I never for one minute believed in the ‘joke’ of unconditional love, well at least not until I had my kids….
When I held my babies for the first time in my arms, I felt a surge of powerful feelings threatening to overpower my brain and heart, sweeping me off my feet in an unknown torrent of heavy emotions. I couldn’t tell it apart as to whether they were my uncertainties about Motherhood or the finality of a door shutting somewhere in my bruised heart kicking out all the bad memories away in its wake.
Over the years that passed after the birth of my children, I realized that the ‘ mental limbo’ I experienced in the ‘birthing’ suite was indeed my ‘inner self’ clicking into place, where she had finally found her home in the comfort and warmth of her children, a part of her own flesh and blood.
I rejoiced and acknowledged my divine blessing. I thought the curse is over.
Could I be any luckier than that? -A million dollar question.
The million dollar answer?- No
Then, why am I sad?
Why does a beautiful rainbow sparkling in the calm blue sky after a heavy downpour gives me heart ache so bad that I want to cry?
Why do I never feel rested? For me, sleeping is sort of like running a marathon only to be jerked awake from a terrible nightmare any time and to find the darkness waiting to pounce on me and embrace me in its black cloak.
Why do I fear my memories? Why are they eating upon my peace and meager supply of happiness and thrive on it?
I think my inner self has the answers I seek.
But I won’t ask her, yet.
I know that my heart is not strong enough to listen to the truth that she will tell.
So, I will wait. Wait for another sun rise or until my heart turns stone, whichever comes first…
How do you like my ‘soul-searching’ piece today?
Seriously, do you think self reflection is good once in a while to stay sane and to keep on top of this game called ‘Life’?