If I look closely at the neighbor’s garden opposite our street, I could see the rose buds beginning to dip open in the lushness of the green. All it needs is just one drop of water to peck its cheek.. almost there..(sigh)
In a few more months, I will be all ready to go to work after mat leave hurling myself back to the craziness of it all. But I guess that is the way of life, Is it not? Each and every time I think about it, my heart screams “No”. A tiny voice whimpers at the back of my mind saying that it did not want to leave the kids behind. I was at the same place when I had to do this after Kevin was born three years ago. All I could think of at work was about him. What is he doing now, is he eating well, taking naps on time etc… The only consolation was that he is with my in law rather than at a strange daycare. But it is still not same as his own mother being there for him. I felt guilty all the time and everyday I rushed back home to see him and only him. I couldn’t even release a peaceful breath without seeing him at the end of the day. I am going to do the same thing to Krista as well and I do not know if I can survive this undamaged.
Its not that if I do not work, I do not eat. we are pretty stable financially. My husband works a good job. So am I. If I quit to take care of the kids on my own full time, no world will crash down on us. I can depend on him and trust him to take care of us. But there is a slight problem. That problem is Me and that professionally I am uncompromising and relentless in my pursuits to make my mark in the career world . I cannot be satisfied if I do not do this. But at the same time, I want to stay with the kids. Yes, it is a dilemma, rather a stupid one when you look at it, right? Well, this is my dirty laundry, I guess. It is hard to understand, but yes, it is there. I hope soon some day I will find a way to do both. Means, I will get to do the work I want without leaving my kids behind. Fingers Crossed! In the meantime, I am still enjoying this cup of coffee which I am holding reverently and watching the rain falling down lovingly on earth.
Keep up your smiles until next time!