Personal Thoughts

A Eulogy

Death is always hard to think about, for the living.

It brings grief, loss, pain, discomfort to name a few. The emptiness that it brings forth is often times heavy that you may find yourself experiencing pain as you breathe.

Darkness seems to follow you everywhere bringing the realization that consolation is light years away. You are distraught, you are mindless with sorrow and you feel hollow.

A Eulogy to my Grand Mother

Losing a loved one will do all of the above to you…

And when you can’t be close to your dead and grieve in their lifeless presence, the emotions mount ten folds.

When you have to carry on with life, focused on the mundane details on the other side of the world, you become inconsolable.

You are scattered everywhere in little pieces. You can’t grieve in quiet. Silence seems to evade you constant.

There is no peace, there is no redemption.

So, you do what you are good at.

You flip the switch and block the agony, at least partly.

You put on that empty smile on your face which seem to match the trauma you face in your heart. But hey, no one knows that but you, right?

You have done it way too many times in the past, its almost second nature.

Nothing is out of place, nothing is out of ordinary. It’s all good.

Except.

There is a storm that rage inside you waiting to be let out. To be acknowledged. To be freed.

Ready to create destruction in its wake.

How do you tame it? How do you bring it home?

There is a way.The only way.

You face the storm. You confront your grief.

You seek out your blank screen. And search your torn heart for the right words to tumble out.

So here I am.

With my heart so broken for you, today.

With everything I couldn’t say or do for you when you lived.

For the chances I missed in seeing your happy and eager face, perfectly laced with wrinkles.

For all the love you kept in your heart for me, hoping to share over a cup of your special tea someday…

For the grandchildren you helped me birth in spirit.

For being the only Mom I never had..

I realize words can only go so far in telling you how I feel at this moment, my dear Grand Mother.

For your death is mine too

Just like I bore your pain from across the distance when you lived.

As I continue grieving for you in the coming days, I realize life will never be the same without you.

Forever, my heart will carry the pain of your memories, the burden of your unspoken love.

I promise to keep you alive in my kids’ hearts, as I will be keeping you alive in mine.

Rest easy now, Grandma. You are with angels…

 

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